Badger Brew

Coffee and I have a somewhat troubled relationship. I've never been a huge coffee fan, and I am certainly not an addict. I like to drink it every now and then, but preferably with a large amount of the beverage containing things that are NOT coffee. While this is partially due to the fact that I don't find the taste of coffee anywhere near as compelling as its smell, my ambivalence is mainly predicated on the fact that my digestive system and coffee will randomly have "disagreements".

Now it's not like these disagreements occur every time I drink some brew, it's a partially random occurrence. I say partially, because the probabiliy of having "problems" is inversely proportional to the amount of food I have eaten prior to drinking coffee. An empty stomach has about an 80% probability of issues. Otherwise, any small meal is enough to drop my chances of a problem to around 25%. I really should do a complete statistical analysis, but I'm not so sure I want to do the data collection.

Generally, as a result of the general "disagreement", my digestive system will generally cramp up as a complaint. It's not debilitating, but it certainly is uncomfortable. At the same time. . . in an attempt to escape the argument, the coffee will rush through my digestive tract as quickly as possible, I do not think I need to elaborate on the results. Regardless, I am generally only mildy inconvienced by the whole ordeal, which is why I still take the risk of drinking coffee from time to time.

But then today happened.

So one of the Japanese engineers who's been working at my company for as long as I have is getting sent back to Japan to work on other projects. This morning he brought in a jug of Starbuck's coffee (he's a bit of a coffee snob) to share with the group as a sign of thanks. I think this was also intended to help the people who might have hangovers from his going away party the prior evening (I know several people who definitely should have hangovers). Without thinking, I made myself a cup of coffee (extra/extra of course) and proceeded to down it within the next few minutes. It wasn't until I finished the cup that I realized I had eaten nothing yet that morning.

Aware of the high probability of impending discomfort, I made sure my schedule was free for the next couple of hours, and prepared to wait it out. I was in the middle of talking to one of my coworkers when it hit me. . .

Now I was expecting the usual mild discomfort, followed by a trip to the men's room. Instead I was greeted with excruciating pain. It felt like somehow someone had managed to hide a badger in my coffee, a badger who had finally become fed up with the moist confines of my intestinal tract, and had decided to claw his way out through my abdomen. The pain was so bad my vision actually dimmed, and I had to support myself with my arm against the desk to keep from toppling over. My coworker, who had been chatting away stopped to ask me if I was ok.

"Definitely not," I told him, "I'll be back in a while. . . . . maybe."

It was a long and horrible walk to the restroom, and the source of my pain turned out to be nothing much more than gas, but dear lord did it ever hurt. I only experienced the one instance, no aftershocks of any kind.

I can say one thing for certain. . . I don't think I will ever drink coffee again on an empty stomach, it's simply not worth the risk. I also think I'll stay away from any Starbuck's boxes o' coffee, because I'm convinced they hide badgers in there.